Cabin in the Woods… or Lame in the Theater… you decide

Dana (Kristen Connolly) the virgin, Curt (Chris Hemsworth) the athlete, Jules (Anna Hitchison) the whore, Marty (Fran Kranz) the fool, and  Holden (Jesse Williams) the scholar all head out into the boonies for a weekend of fun and fornication, but it turns out they are pawns in a much bigger scheme. I wish I was making this up.

This movie rips off so many other movies it’s not funny. It has a Deliverance weirdo at the gas station, Evil Dead’s cabin with creepy cellar, Hellraiser like puzzle, and The Ring ghost in other scenes. The plot of the movie is that the “Ancient Ones” are sealed beneath the earth (like Wrath of the Titans) and to be placated, a sacrifice must be made each time. The victims must suffer then die, and the Ancient Ones will stay underground. 

So this government group ensures that a very elaborate and painful death await the victims. Then they force the kids into the behavior they need for the sacrifice to work in a large Hollywood studio like military complex.

The hero of the movie for me was Marty, the dope smoking conspiracy theorist. If not for his enjoyable rants and acting (similar to Shaggy on Scooby doo) I would be adamantly against anyone going to see this movie. It’s definitely a rental view. Don’t waste your money on a theater ticket for this one.  

There’s just too many stupid things that make this movie less entertaining and more annoying. 

American Pie Reunion ~ same ol’ stuff

One of the complaints about movies now-a-days is that “there are no NEW ideas.” Remakes of old TV shows and sequels ten years after are everywhere. Hollywood is hoping to get one more drink of that money trough. In short, they’re counting on you to feel nostalgic.

American Pie Reunion is no different. I mean that literally. It’s the same movie basically as all the rest. The plot is the same, the actors have returned, and they still have pretty much the same hang ups except their lives did not turn out the way they planned (kinda like ours).  Jim is the sexually awkward man, now married to Michelle with a kid. Kevin is still a little obsessed with his first love, Vicky. Oz is still a buff jock hung up on love lost, Finch is still enigmatic, and Stifler is still a dick.

You already know the plot. There’s an embarrassing sexual encounter with Jim who will obviously be caught by the public. Stifler will screw with people. Finch will pretend to be cooler than he really is, Oz will fawn over Heather and try to win her back. Then there is the awkward and funny moments between Jim and his dad.

In short, if you liked the American Pie movies, you’ll like this one. It’s funny, the same theme, the same show, just 13 years later. Even the Sherminator, Shifler’s mom, and Milf-brothers have returned. It’s a good movie if you’re a fan, but a slow decay of our standards as Hollywood repackages the old into new.