Battleship ~ Don't think about it... just watch!

When I saw the trailer and heard that the movie is based on the Hasbro game, I wondered how they were going to pull this movie off. Alien crafts against our own Navy, we are surely on the short end of the stick here. Then I found out Rihanna was going to play a part of action hero girl, and I became more skeptical of the movie.

I knew Liam Neeson (Admiral Shane) and Taylor Kitsch (Lt. Hopper) were also in the movie, so I was hoping the movie would pan out, and it does. Alexander Skarsgard, of True Blood fame, plays Hopper’s older more mature and more successful brother, so those of you with a crush on him will get a fix.

The movie is pretty good if you throw away some of the more unbelievable parts I’ll be describing later. No sense ruining the movie for those who want to see it, right? The action scenes are fun, the patriotic vibe for our wounded soldiers, naval personnel, and veterans adds a nice flair to the movie, and the “overcoming tremendous odds” theme really work for the film.  That being said, let’s dive in.

Alex Hooper is a loser. He can’t motivate himself, he has no drive, and he has no direction. He falls for a girl and gets into trouble, his Navy-brother bails him out, and pretty much makes him join the service. Let’s ignore the fact, that if you joined the Navy, had a bad record, no college, and were a waste of space, you wouldn’t be placed as an officer on a destroyer under the command of your brother, dating the Admiral’s hot daughter whom you fell for before you joined.

Aliens arrive on Earth to set up a base around Hawaii, test our defenses, and pretty much kick our butt with their technology. Now, unfortunately our naval fleet is out on an exercise in the middle of the ocean, and when the aliens establish their base we have three ships inside their force field in which to save the world. I told you it was a bit “fantastical.” The aliens destroy two of the three ships with missiles looking peculiarly like the pegs of the old Battleship game, the take out the last boat commander putting Hopper in charge.

For some reason the aliens can’t see us, because even though they come from a similar planet, they have lizard eyes which means the sun is too bright for them or something like that. The aliens are using our own communications to call in the rest of the alien invasion force, and the only one that can stop them is the destroyer John Paul Jones whose captains have figured out a way to attack the aliens using buoys and firing missiles on a grid similar to the board game. Still with me?

We’ve made it this far right? Oh no, the destroyer get destroyed and we have less than a few hours to stop them, we don’t have anything left but a decommissioned battleship and the veterans who use to work on it. The movie gives you a shot of “Patriotism” and we’re off to kick some alien buttocks!

“Oh brother, someone is gonna kiss the donkey,” does not even come close to describing the fight that will ensue.

All that being said, if you can put logic away for two hours, the movie is fast paced, fun, and worth a look just for you people who have played and love the game. You can even get past Rihanna as a tough Navy gal.             

The Dictator ~ Funny... unless your really politically correct...

The voice of King Julien of Madagascar has reached ultimate power and is the Dictator Admiral General Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen) in this Borat like comedy. He fights to keep democracy from coming to Northern Africa even though his closest advisor Ben Kingsley is trying to wretch it from him to allow the major oil companies and China to plunder it. Gotta love democracy right?

That’s pretty much the whole point of the movie and much of Cohen’s comedy style. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re not going to get his message. This movie makes fun of Muslims, Americans, Israelis, Liberals, Conservatives, blacks, whites, lesbians, celebrities… everyone. No one is safe from the rapid succession of joke grenades and innuendos. The soundtrack is awesome!

Aladeen is the utmost un-politically correct person in the world, yet he finds himself trapped in America when he is replaced by a double. The evil of democracy will sicken his country if he cannot stop it.

A few people at the screening got offended early and left the theater. A few others simply didn’t get the jokes, but for the most part, the movie was hilarious, if that is your kind of humor. I found myself thinking… “DAMN!” and “No he didn’t just say…” throughout the whole movie. I wouldn’t say it’s worth the theater prices, but definitely rental see-worthy.

That being said it wasn’t the FUNNIEST movie I’ve seen thus far, but I do want to see it again because of how fast the jokes fly at you, I know I’ve missed a lot.   

Dark Shadows ~ Not boring... and it's Johnny.

I’m not even going to fake it. I’m not going to pretend I was a fan of the old classic show. I knew of it but I really had no time to watch it when I was younger, nor was I inclined to watch a British TV show if it wasn't Benny Hill. That being said, this movie was not bad. I don’t know if they stayed true to the original story line but in today’s world of movies, does it matter?

Face it. If you’re a Dark Shadows fan, you’re going to watch it. If you swoon over Johnny Depp, you’re going to watch it. If you’re a diehard fan of the 70’s, you might watch it.

Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) is a cursed man. He is a vampire, and he has spurned the love of a witch, a very sexy witch, Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) and if she can’t have him, no one will. Take the vampire from the 1770’s and place him in the 1970’s. Now we have the plot of the movie. There are some very comical parts as Barnabas comes to terms with his new world and the dwindling of his family’s prestige.

Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer) is the matron of the struggling Collins estate. Their wealth is gone, their company is in ruins, and they are not the cream of the crop. Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote) seeks employment as a governess for Elizabeth’s young grandson and she also has a secret.

Ok, long story short, Barnabas is chained in a coffin and sealed in the earth until 1970 where he is freed and finds out Angelique, the witch, has been plaguing his family for centuries, and he means to rebuilt the family honor. Throw in the 70’s hippies, free love, sexual innuendos, and that’s the movie. What I did like about the movie is that they didn’t sugar coat the “Vampire” parts. He drank blood, he killed, and he moved on. Don’t worry, he apologizes first. Angelique still loves Barnabas and wants to “join” him in every way.

The movie disappointed me in that all of the funny scenes are in the trailer. You see the scenes coming, but they lose the punch, so tell people who are going to see it to avoid the trailers by all means if they wish to laugh a little louder. It is worth a look, and the story is interesting but you really don’t need to see it in the theater unless you want the “theater” experience. It will be just as good on DVD.

And... BTW... it has ALICE COOPER!

Avengers - Worth it!

Avengers Assemble... for the win!

You have seen all the hype. A few years worth…from the ending of Iron Man and the second (better) Hulk and you’re wondering if it’s worth it. Well… HELL YEAH! The Avengers is an awesome movie. It has been building for quite some time. I liked Hulk, Loved both Iron Man movies, Thought Thor was ok, and liked Captain America…. all stepping stone to the big dance.

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) steal the show. Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) take on Loki (Tom Hiddleston) Norse god of Mischief and his army of alien invaders. Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) pulls the team together to defend the world from its impending doom.

The Avengers are rough at first, not getting along, but eventually they find a common cause and kick some major butt! The action is intense, the scenery is wonderful, and the story line is good. It does drag slightly in some places but it isn’t bad enough to notice. The computer graphics and humor are epic and something worth seeing.

My inner comic book geek places this movie about the Xmen. The movie does count on you to have seen the other individual ones to get the backgrounds, but other than that there are no noticeable flaws in the movie.

Put this on the: “to Watch” list. If you are a true Avengers comic book fan… wait until the very end… you won’t regret it! 

Cabin in the Woods… or Lame in the Theater… you decide

Dana (Kristen Connolly) the virgin, Curt (Chris Hemsworth) the athlete, Jules (Anna Hitchison) the whore, Marty (Fran Kranz) the fool, and  Holden (Jesse Williams) the scholar all head out into the boonies for a weekend of fun and fornication, but it turns out they are pawns in a much bigger scheme. I wish I was making this up.

This movie rips off so many other movies it’s not funny. It has a Deliverance weirdo at the gas station, Evil Dead’s cabin with creepy cellar, Hellraiser like puzzle, and The Ring ghost in other scenes. The plot of the movie is that the “Ancient Ones” are sealed beneath the earth (like Wrath of the Titans) and to be placated, a sacrifice must be made each time. The victims must suffer then die, and the Ancient Ones will stay underground. 

So this government group ensures that a very elaborate and painful death await the victims. Then they force the kids into the behavior they need for the sacrifice to work in a large Hollywood studio like military complex.

The hero of the movie for me was Marty, the dope smoking conspiracy theorist. If not for his enjoyable rants and acting (similar to Shaggy on Scooby doo) I would be adamantly against anyone going to see this movie. It’s definitely a rental view. Don’t waste your money on a theater ticket for this one.  

There’s just too many stupid things that make this movie less entertaining and more annoying. 

American Pie Reunion ~ same ol’ stuff

One of the complaints about movies now-a-days is that “there are no NEW ideas.” Remakes of old TV shows and sequels ten years after are everywhere. Hollywood is hoping to get one more drink of that money trough. In short, they’re counting on you to feel nostalgic.

American Pie Reunion is no different. I mean that literally. It’s the same movie basically as all the rest. The plot is the same, the actors have returned, and they still have pretty much the same hang ups except their lives did not turn out the way they planned (kinda like ours).  Jim is the sexually awkward man, now married to Michelle with a kid. Kevin is still a little obsessed with his first love, Vicky. Oz is still a buff jock hung up on love lost, Finch is still enigmatic, and Stifler is still a dick.

You already know the plot. There’s an embarrassing sexual encounter with Jim who will obviously be caught by the public. Stifler will screw with people. Finch will pretend to be cooler than he really is, Oz will fawn over Heather and try to win her back. Then there is the awkward and funny moments between Jim and his dad.

In short, if you liked the American Pie movies, you’ll like this one. It’s funny, the same theme, the same show, just 13 years later. Even the Sherminator, Shifler’s mom, and Milf-brothers have returned. It’s a good movie if you’re a fan, but a slow decay of our standards as Hollywood repackages the old into new. 

Wrath of the Titans ~ David and Goliath on Steroids

Man no longer prays to the Gods. Their time is coming to an end. What man doesn’t realize is that the power of the Gods has been keeping Kronos trapped within the Earth. As the Gods weaken, their prison for Titans also weakens. Where are they going to go? Oops.

Perseus (Sam Worthington) doesn’t want any part of it. He’s done doing the bidding of gods like his father Zeus (Liam Neeson), his half-brother Ares (Edgar Ramirez), and Uncle Hades (Ralph Fiennes). He just wants to raise his son. Unfortunately the titans will be released upon the Earth and Kronos will destroy everything. Perseus has to break out the gear and start being a hero again.

I’m a little rusty on my Greek mythology, but the movie helps you figure out what you need to know to get the gist of the movie. I’m not quite sold on Worthington as a good actor yet, but he’s growing on me. I can’t complain about Liam Neeson at all. I did not get to see the first movie as of yet (Clash of the Titans) but I am familiar with the version from the 80’s which has always been a favorite of mine.  The animation is good. You do not have a problem with the blending of CG and human actors. The Story line is a bit far-fetched but we are talking about gods, titans, and cyclops, oh my.

Whenever there is a movie with small things in the same scene with big this, it always seems to get a little hard to follow the action. Make the action fast, and it’s REALLY hard. There are parts like that in Wrath. The scene is happening so fast you don’t realize what you’re seeing until it’s done, but it is not enough to make you give up on the movie.

Not many people liked the first one, and I’d suggest not letting that limit your options to see this one. I saw it in 3D and it really didn’t need to be. If you don’t have a movie you’ll holding out for, you might want to consider it, but definitely see the rental.  

Watch for the brief return of an old friend from the 80’s movie. I won’t tell you who. (I said tell.)